Somewhere To Write

Posted by Anonymous on 2014/05/10 under Uncategorized

I know this is extremely cheesy and no one in the world will take this seriously but that’s not the point here, I just need somewhere to come clean because this secret is burning inside me and it’s eating me alive. Here it is;

Watch out, this is a long story. My pseudonym here will be Karen.

Almost four years ago, I got placed with a new group/class in school. I never really fit in there, despite from a few of my (still remaining) friends I made later on. But before I befriended them I hung out with some people I recognised from before. Problem was, the boys (whom I didn’t recognise but they joined the girls I was with I guess) in that group bullied me, they’d laugh at me for an unknown reason. Maybe I was not pretty enough and a little bit naive then, because I thought I could hang out with the “cool ones”. I was basically the stupid in-between girl who just followed everyone around. They didn’t really say anything directly to me, but they spoke about me behind my back and would mockingly laugh at everything I said.

But there was this one boy – I’ll call him Julian – who never was a part of this. He was in that popular gang, but he himself wasn’t that popular, he was just those boys’ childhood friend so he got to be with the “cool ones”. He didn’t talk to me much, but whenever we were forced to work together he’d be really nice to me and he sort of…respected me. But otherwise he didn’t say much to me during the first term (=”semester” in US).

Then came the second term. There was a new boy in our class – let’s call him Aaron. Aaron was a bit…well…different from the other bullying boys. BAD different. He was even worse than the other boys. And for some reason, he was rudest to me, probably because I was in a pretty stupid wannabe emo phase.
Aaron and Julian became friends – in fact, they became best friends. And Aaron kept bullying me, with Julian standing behind; he was often quiet when Aaron bullied me, but sometimes he’d laugh with him, but I swear, when he laughed, just in a fraction of a second, I could see something else spark in his eyes – pity.

Julian obviously saw how upset I was, even though I had friends standing on my side defending and comforting me I had a hard time coping with this whole Aaron thing. …and the fact that Julian – who was so nice to me last term has just turned and walked over to Aaron’s side – the bully’s side. Later that term I was placed next to Julian in geography and history class; he was basically me desk mate. Problem was, Aaron was placed, without a desk mate, in front of us. So during class he’d turn around and talk to Julian. And bully me.
That was when it happened. One day, when Aaron had just insulted me, and I shouted at him, telling him to shut up. I almost cried that time, because the insult was pretty harsh (he said that I could cut myself and bleed to death…). The teacher had told Aaron to stop, but he just carried on. While my face was buried in my arms on the desk, I suddenly heard Julian, barely audible, talk to me: “Hey…Karen, don’t care about Aaron, he doesn’t know what he’s saying.” That just made me cry for real. And for a short moment he stroked my shoulder, and as he let go he said “Don’t be sad. He’s stupid, you know? He’s not worth your tears, hey?” I don’t think anyone else saw that, but I heard it and I felt it and that’s what counts. That was the sweetest thing a boy had ever said to me.

This wasn’t the last time he was like this to me. In front of Aaron he didn’t say anything, and he still laughed sometimes, but as fast as Aaron had left and we were alone he’d comfort me, tell me that he’s sorry but he was too afraid to tell Aaron that, because Aaron would probably think he liked me and liking me was like a sin for the boys’ in my class. I understood what he meant, as an awkward person who always tries to walk as far away from trouble as possible, I knew Julian didn’t want to go through that. I knew how it felt. Julian was only nice to me when we were alone. Otherwise he didn’t say anything.

The year after things slightly changed, though. He told Aaron to stop, and during the first times Aaron got a bit shocked, but Julian didn’t seem to care anymore. Afterwards he’d always turned around and smiled kindly at me before he left. He did this for almost a year.

I really liked Julian, and it was sort of obvious that he sort of liked me too, because he always tried to find a way to touch me on the shoulder or stroke my hair to comfort me. And things between us were slow, because we only talked when we were left alone with each other, and that wasn’t often at all. I didn’t really know how myy feelings toward Julian was, I knew there was something more than friendship but it seemed so complicated and I tried to ignore it. I even had a boyfriend for a while, while being confused about Julian, and when I broke up with my boyfriend Julian seemed to be happier, as when I started dating this other guy he started to act a bit like Aaron, which he stopped doing when that guy and me broke up.

But this is where our story almost ends. We liked each other, sort of; I was confused because I was sort of crushing another boy. But what I felt for Julian was different. He was like my potential soul mate (I never use the word soul mate unless it’s REALLY true) who never made it all the way to me.
Almost exactly two years ago, he announced that he was going to move to another country – on the other side of the world. My heart almost stopped that day; I didn’t really know how to feel. Julian and I weren’t dating, we did have something going on but it wasn’t very noticeable.

The last time I saw Julian was during the summer holiday ceremony. He moved in August that year.
It took me a while to realise how much I missed him, well…I already knew that I’d miss him, but when I REALLY knew – everything around me suddenly dropped. I loved him. We never talked to each other again after he left. We never talked online or something like that, we are just facebook friends and follow each other on instagram – that’s all. It’s been two years since he left, and I miss him so, so much. I still love him. It’s painful to think of him because I have no idea if he even remembers me, remembers what we had. And things have changed – I have changed, and so has he. He looks much more mature now, quite good looking to, (according to his instagram pictures). And I have passed that phase, although I started to leave my phase during the last months he lived here. I’ve grown too. I’m also more mature now.

It’s been four years since I met Julian for the first time. We met when we had just stepped into young adulthood, and now we’re both in our late adolescence, only a few steps from genuine adulthood. I really want to talk to him again, but I know I shouldn’t – I know I can’t. I love him deeply, I just want him to know that, and recall what we had a few years back. I’m still in that school; I’m in my last month there. People still bully me, and now when my defender’s gone the pain has grown back. I don’t know if I will ever see him again, but I really want to. And if I don’t, I will always remember him as my secret comforter – the boy I will never forget. The boy I will never stop loving.
No one knows about this. Not even my best friend. Julian is, and always will be, my little secret.

WOAH! That was a long and deep confession, eheh. Well, thanks for reading. I’m so sorry for wasting your time, but I just needed to come clean.

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